Thursday, February 20, 2014

I Know the Title of the Next Star Wars Movie!

We are supposed to, I believe, discuss our plans for the newest Star Wars movie that Disney is producing. You know, if we had the power to do such a thing. Of course, Patton Oswalt has already cornered the market on the ultimate SW sequel (see vid below, please, it's an outake from one of his appearances on my favorite sitcom, Parks and Recreation, where he uses his filibuster time to wax eloquent about SW Ep VII - except the vid below is ANIMATED!). 

Briane and Sandra have already done theirs, I’ve read PT’s, and so know where he is going with his take.  

I think Andrew has decided not to participate. I think due to his close and personal relationship with the parties involved, but don’t quote me on that. 

No, this take, is my own. So I present for you, the perfect SW movie.

Please, dim the lights first.

Episode VII

A Party At Chewie’s Hut
A False Beacon
A General Alarm
The Sith of Venice
The Sith of Venus
The Sith of Vesuvius
The Sith of Pelo Tamor
A Broken Vow
A Howl of Descent
Weekend at Bernie’s Chewie’s

Jesbus! This is hard. I’ll leave the title alone for the moment. So let’s all stick a pin in that, and remember to come back to it later. 

In my version, the opening shot is…


Um, something where a ship, er… crashes?

Yes, it’s a crashed ship. A recently leveled up Luke Skywalker crawls out, he finds Han, young, handsome Han, and he himself has grown old, he realizes that he’s accidentally travelled BACK IN TIME to the period just prior to A New Hope. 


Yes, and Luke must now go on a Back to the Future sort of quest, to make sure that Vader doesn’t blow up Alderan before the Jedi Zombie defense gets enacted - it involves the corpse of the Emperor that they have to use, like in the Weekend at Bernie's, to convince him not to blow up the planet . Because there will be zombies. Probably. I don’t know. Somehow Kirk falls in love with Luke and they have babies, the end.*

Wait, what happened? 

You know what, I might not be the best idea man for this movie. But just in case JJ is reading this, I can elaborate on any points here that you’d like me to.

For a fee. Also, those titles above are mine, you can’t use them.

*For the insanely curious, here is a real back of the envelop blurb type idea for Ep VII:
Han and the gang have discovered that something more sinister than the emperor has been playing puppet master to the Rebels in order to overthrow the empire. Now, with the imperial forces in disarray, and the rebel forces much to weak to fight a another war, a new evil rises.

Because Padme had TRIPLETS!

That's the new title! Triple Play


  1. The Kirk-Luke pairing might make some fans happy.... ;)

  2. Since superhero crossovers are now the latest thing thanks to The Avengers, a Star Wars-Star Trek crossover wouldn't be that surprising. Your blurb idea is good. It makes me think of a Robot Chicken skit where Palpatine is crowing about how he's manipulated events like having Jar-Jar help him obtain emergency powers; then they reveal it was really Jar-Jar's evil plan all along. There's how you redeem that annoying character.

  3. HA! Triplets indeed! Luke, Leia and La bamba.

  4. Parks and Rec is one of my favorite shows too. It always makes me laugh.

    I'm kinda digging Weekend at Chewie's!!

  5. This had me laughing hard enough to alert everyone that I wasn't actually doing any legal research anymore. Just perfect. And who saw that Kirk-Luke twist coming? Audiences will gasp!

  6. You know, I actually want to see Weekend at Chewie's, but, sadly, I think the dead guy should be Han. It's Chewie and Luke trying to pass Han off as still alive, even to Leia, so they can... well, I'm not sure, but it also involves getting chicks, which shouldn't be a problem for look since he can just wave his hand at them and stuff, but, I suppose, the Jedi frown on that behavior.