Exploring Personality: Part Six -- "I'm special!"

"You are all individuals!"

"I'm not."

--If you don't know, you don't deserve to know

Preface: Enneagram types 2, 3, and 4 make up the emotional triad of the enneagram chart. These three types both act on and react to the world based on how they feel. Decisions are emotion-based and relationships are of primary importance. These three types also tend to be preoccupied with success and status or success as in how it relates to status. These are the romantic, love-is-all-you-need people.

The Individualist

The temptation when dealing with type Four is to think of that weird kid in high school who was striving to completely different from everyone else. Maybe it was the goth girl artist chick who glared at everyone and went on about how she was just "misunderstood" or, maybe, it was the kind of creepy guy who was always taking pictures of everyone for the school newspaper or the yearbook. In the workplace, it could be that guy who refuses to follow procedures and must do everything his own way because that's just who he is. That would be a limited way of viewing the Individualist, because it could also be your friend who is always going on about how one day her one, true love, the one who sees her for who she really is, will come and everything will be right in the world. You know, this person:


See, Fours are also known as the Romantics, but it's not because they're "romantic;" it's because they have this idealized view of a possible world. Sometimes, that idealized view of a possible world requires an idealized, perfect love, the person who will see through them to their real selfs and make the world right so that they are no longer tortured outsiders.

To say that Fours are complicated or that they make things complicated may well be an understatement. Fours both isolate themselves in their individuality and want to be rescued from it. They cling to their emotions, often especially the negative ones, while feeling like they  have something missing in them so become searchers. They sense that emotions are fluid and want to move along with them but have often locked themselves into one particular identity that they can't let go of. They can be aloof while lamenting that their different-ness keeps them separated from people. Because "people" will never be able to understand them.

Fours are the epitome of the tortured artist. And, just as an example (though this is something I will not normally do but am making an exception due to the writing nature of all of this), here are some notable Fours:
Edgar Allan Poe
Virginia Woolf
Tennessee Williams
J. D. Salinger
Anne Rice
Hank Williams
Judy Garland
Bob Dylan
Paul Simon
Angelina Jolie
Johnny Depp

Fours frequently focus on what they see in themselves as deficiencies or, basically, the things that separate them from others. This starts at a young age and they will hold onto these things and keep them secret, building up a "secret self" that no one else can understand or accept. What they want and long for, though, is for someone to come along who will accept and even appreciate this hidden self. As time passes and this fails to happen, the Four becomes  fiercely independent and individualistic, refusing help because the Four must do it all on his own. Even if it is detrimental to the Four which only increases the isolationism.

The biggest obstacle to growth for Fours can often be their resistance to letting go of past, painful experiences that they have incorporated into their "identity," things that strengthen their view of themselves as "unique" and "special" and "set apart." However, when they find that relationship or community that makes them feel accepted, they can become more objective with their feelings, processing them and moving past them more readily. This can open them up to creative freedom where they are willing to share very personal, even painful experiences, with the world.

When put into stressful situations or stuck in relationships where they feel they have to hide their "true" selves, Fours can abandon their individuality and become clingy, emotional sponges, unable to function on their own. They become ingratiating, trying to be noticed and liked, hoping that someone will see them for how special they are while in a place where any creative spark is buried as they push people away by chasing after favor.

One other thing of note: Fours often develop, secret, idealized fantasy selves that they believe is who they really are, if only that persona could get out. Think "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty."

Fours tend to be introverts. Although they may desire acclaim, they are emotionally reclusive, looking for that one (or just a few) special relationship. Basically, they spend all of their time within themselves. They may be empathetic when at their best, but they rarely reach out to the masses.

I'm going to leave you with this song, which strikes me as rather a Four theme song. It's a song I really like by one of my favorite bands. Enjoy.


A last note: I am not a Four. Just to be clear.

Exploring Personality: Part Four -- "Let Me Give You a Hand"

When you give..., do not announce it with trumpets...to be honored by others. When you give do not [even] let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. -- Matthew 6:2-3 (paraphrased)

Preface: Enneagram types 2, 3, and 4 make up the emotional triad of the enneagram chart. These three types both act on and react to the world based on how they feel. Decisions are emotion-based and relationships are of primary importance. These three types also tend to be preoccupied with success and status or success as in how it relates to status. These are the romantic, love-is-all-you-need people.

The Helper

Have you ever known one of those people who wants to help with everything, even when you don't want help. They might do things for you (for your own good) that you don't want done or do everything because that's just the kind of people they are. Usually, they'll let you know about it, too. "So-and-so couldn't survive without me; I do everything for him." They like to help, and they like for everyone to know about it. Helping is what type 2 is all about.

The type 2, known as The Helper or The Giver, derives his sense of self worth from what he is doing for those around him. It legitimately makes her feel good to do for others. The Helper is that person who remembers everyone's birthdays and makes sure that a card goes around for everyone to sign. The Helper is that person who volunteers for every committee and helps out with every activity. The Helper is involved. And the Helper is also a flatterer, giving strokes and affirmations to others (with the hopes of getting those things in return).

The problem, though, is that these activities are seldom completely altruistic in nature. In return for all of the "help" the type two is doing, she needs to be acknowledged and affirmed. Patted on the back, for instance. He needs to feel appreciated. However, this need for acknowledgement runs counter to doing the things he does selflessly, so the Helper buries his need for approval, usually under a layer of pride in how "helpful" he is. Or, maybe, in making you feel guilty for your lack of appreciation. [That's your mother, right? "I work my fingers to the bone, and do you ever say even a thank you? You do not. You should be ashamed of yourself."]

Because twos derive so much of their worth from helping and doing for others, they can forget that they have needs of their own, especially if they don't feel like they are receiving the appreciation they deserve for all of the hard work that they do. And how can they? That they need to feel appreciated has to remain unspoken. In public life, this can lead to burnout (often of the crash-and-burn variety) and the sudden withdrawal from all the activities the Helper had been involved in. Of course, sometimes, this creates just the correct type of drama to cause people to heap praise upon the two -- "Oh, we didn't realize how much you did! We need you so much!" -- and draw the Helper back in all martyred and everything.

In personal life, or sometimes in public, unfulfilled twos can become manipulative and bossy, demanding compensation for all of the things they've done. They feel totally justified in their behaviors because they've earned the right to demand things because of their past efforts.

Now, glance back up at the chart and see that the arrow from the 2 to the 8 says "stress" on the 8 side. When the two, who is normally cheerful and helpful and "selfless," takes on too much "helping" or is feeling under-appreciated, she becomes stressed, and the stress is what leads to the manipulation and demands.

So let's look at some environments:

Let's say you have a Helper who works in a healthy, cooperative environment. The Helper is very involved at work, volunteering for committees, cooking treats for the rest of the office, planning events. Whatever needs to be done, really, because at work she feels appreciated and the other staff express how much she means to them on a regular basis and may even do special things for her occasionally, like thank you cards. She feels needed, maybe even loved, which is at the center of a two's emotional needs.

But, then, she goes home to a husband who doesn't appreciate her and never shows gratitude. At home, she is a nag, demanding that he does things for her and withholding favors (of whatever sort) until he does what she wants. She may make sure she is away from home in the evenings (doing things for other people or groups) so that he has to fend for himself for dinner.

Dropping by her office unexpectedly, he would be surprised at how pleasant and good-natured she is. He would astounded that she was doing things for other people of her own accord without asking for anything in return. She would be someone he didn't know, could barely recognize.

If you look at the other arrow, the one that goes to "growth" (also known as "security"), you see the two who gives selflessly. For real. The two is in a place of comfort and warmth and knows that she is valued. This could be the two in the above example in her workplace environment. When a two knows that he is loved regardless of what he is doing for other people, it allows him to give freely without the unacknowledged expectation that others will show their appreciation in return.

Hopefully, you can see the range of behaviors in just this one personality type. We'll break it down into three groups: unhealthy, average, and healthy.

Unhealthy twos (either in general or in specific relationships) are bitter, resentful, and manipulative. If they are not going to be appreciated, they will just take what they need instead. Or try to. This is stereotypical attention-seeking behavior even to the point of substance and food abuse so as to get people to show concern or give them sympathy.

Average twos gives only with the hope of getting in return. They have an over-inflated sense of their own importance and make sure to point out to others just how important that is.

Healthy twos have come to a point where they understand that they have value in their own right and do not need others to validate them. They can become truly altruistic and humble, giving without any thought of receiving anything in return.

Culturally, we have made "the mother" the stereotypical image of The Helper, but there's much more to the two than just being "mom." There's a whole range of available behaviors and situations in which to bring out those behaviors.

Oh, it should be noted: Helpers are generally extroverts but, then, most people are extroverts, so I don't know if that's saying anything extraordinary. The important thing to remember is that a two can also be an introvert, which will, of course, affect the ways in which he goes about helping people.

Exploring Personality: Part Three -- "What's My Type?"

"I know there's all this talk about my charisma deficit and I have to admit that I'm not a wild, in-your-face actor. It's not my nature to be flashy or extroverted, and that's why I see it a great challenge to me as an actor to be able to play against type and shake up people's perceptions of me." -- Tobey Maguire

One of the most common ways that writers move the plot forward in their books is to have a character do something that would generally be considered "out of character" for that character. What this usually means is they have an otherwise "smart" character do something stupid. The understood reasoning is that, hey, everyone does something stupid now and then, right? Those things never ring true to me. Do you know why? They're not.

Stupidity is not the same as personality. That is to say, even a stupid action has to fit within the character's personality. That's not always an easy thing to do, especially when we need a character to act in a way that the audience won't expect.

This is where the Enneagram can be very useful as a typing system for your characters.

As I was discussing last time, personality typing systems tend to be very static, meaning you are this or you are that, and there is no room for any variation. I'm going to bet, though, that we've all had one of those situations where you've run into someone you know in an environment you're not used to seeing that person in and had the thought, "Who was that guy? That's not the person I know." The Enneagram is the only typing system I've encountered that explains those variations beyond that it was just an "aberration."

The Enneagram divides personality into nine types and, as you can see from the diagram, the types are related to each other. So let's have a brief overview, shall we?

The types:
1. Perfectionist
2. Giver
3. Performer
4. Romantic
5. Observer
6. Loyalist or the Skeptic
7. Epicure
8. Boss
9. Mediator
[I do want to point out that depending upon your source, the names of the nine types may differ, especially since many of them have been given new names to give them a more positive spin. For instance, the 8 is sometimes, now, called "the Protector" and the 1 is called "the Reformer." The basic definitions of each type are still the same no matter what label they've attached. A rose is, after all, still a rose.]

These are the nine fundamental types, but it's a little more complex than just that, because each type has a wing that influences it. For instance, type 9 can have either an 8-wing or a 1-wing which will influence the 9s outlook on the world, but we'll get more into that later.

The types are also grouped into three centers that deal with how those types relate to the world. Types 2, 3, and 4 are the emotional center. Those types respond to events on an emotional level. Decisions are based on their emotional response without allowing time for thought or checking facts. Types 5, 6, and 7 are the intellectual center. They require data before responding or making a decision; however, they will often react on that data without regard to how it will affect other people. They ignore the emotional impact because the "facts" are on their side. 8, 9, and 1 are the instinctual center. They are somewhat of a blend of the other two centers. They want the facts but, in the end, they respond from their "gut" reaction. What "feels" right. [This is not to be confused with "feeling" as an emotion. The emotional group does not respond from what "feels right;" they respond from a specific emotion.]

Now, here's the thing that makes the Enneagram stand out for me:
You've probably noticed that the diagram has lines connecting some of the types. Those lines are important, not just a funky design. Remember how I said that the Enneagram explained how people can seem like aliens sometimes? The lines show which types are connected.

So let's take 9 as an example (it's right there at the top, after all):
Each type has a stress point and a security point. Typically, the 9 is going along in its Mediator kind of way (the 9 is also often known as the Peacekeeper) but, when its at its security point, the place where the 9 feels relaxed and comfortable, it slides into the role of the 3, the Performer. However, when the 9 is at its stress point (this does not necessarily mean "stressed out," though it can mean that;  it just means in a place where the 9 is not comfortable), it becomes the Skeptic and feels like everyone is out to get it. Persecuted, so to speak.

So that's what the lines are for and, briefly, tell us how specific Personalities can act in ways we don't recognize. I'll get more into all of that as I discuss each of the types.

If you're curious as to your own type, there are tests available online. The "best" ones cost money (meaning, basically, the ones that take the most time to take), but there are various free ones available. Here's a link to one that is at least above average and probably the best free one I've seen. If you're an author, I'd say to go take it to give you some context into all of this personality stuff and see how you relate to it.