I Will Be A Jerk (The Best Time Travel Story, 2014)

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Yesterday, we introduced you to Russ Bickerstaff, who won the Time Travel Writing contest we hosted and put into an anthology.  Today, you get his story,

I Will Be A Jerk

Russ Bickerstaff

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I am a jerk. Not right now, exactly, but I will be a jerk. I figure it's probably about 20 years from now. It's a little complicated. Roughly twenty years from now I will be just a few feet from where I am now. Pretending to read a magazine. Pretending not to be looking at me. I will just be sitting there being a jerk. 

When I went off to go to college, I wasn't expecting this. Granted, it's not like there weren't warning signs looming out ahead of me. All my life there had been indicators that I might suffer from some kind of mental illness. It runs in the family. Dad once thought he'd accidentally unplugged the outside world from his house. He was perfectly cool about it for a while. Then everything disintegrated for him. A year ago my brother claims to have seen a cluttered residential apartment of infinite space in the complex he manages. He's still around, but he dropped out of college to be in some weird, experimental steampunk ska band. (Make of that what you will.) So I could have expected some kind of a schizophrenic break with reality. I could have expected some kind of a psychotic episode or something. If not now then maybe ten or twenty years from now. But not now because I'm pretty sure this is different.

There I am 20 years older than I am now. I look a bit more haggard. There's patchy beard on my face. There's a raspy wheeze to my voice on those rare occasions when I talk. Not that I ever bother to say much to me. I have tried to approach me and talk. I always get the same response.  "You'll see." I'm leering when I say it to me. And sometimes I chuckle at me. It would be kind of dramatic and chilling if it wasn't so annoying. 

I get the feeling that most of my friends think it's some kind of joke that I'm playing. They think it's my dad. I don't blame them. Think about it: why would I get access to something as impressive as time travel and then decide to go back to where I was when I was in college and just...lurk? It's been like that all semester. 

Full disclosure: I'm into science fiction. That doesn't mean anything. I mean--it's not like this is some weird messed-up fantasy. But it's not like I don't know that there are alternate theories here. I could have been cloned from 20 years ago by that guy who always hangs around at the next table at the coffee shop in the student union or in the library or wherever. That seems possible. Or maybe that guy is me from some sort of alternate future where everything is the same except I'm a jerk and have been all my life.

Say you're me: You move out to college. You first get that taste of true adulthood--true freedom. You're truly on your own now. You're independent. And there you are waiting for you 20 years older than you are now. Hanging out in the background wherever you go. Never actually saying anything. Never even bothering to introduce yourself. Do you call the police? Well, maybe you would think about it until you have to explain it to them. And then you remember what happened to your father and your brother and you think maybe you can tolerate it. 

So here I am hanging out with me at classes. Never actually saying anything. My only respite is my dorm. At home I can be alone with myself. But every time I leave, there I am 20 years from now in the background of my public life. 

Not that I hadn't tried to introduce myself to him. I 'll walk over and say hello. And I'll ask him what brought him back to the past and he always gives his trademark reply. And I'll explain to him what I'm going through and why I don't want him around. And he'll just sit there saying nothing. And so I monologue to him about my life until I have to meet someone or go to a lecture or whatever. 

What bothers me is the fact that this guy that's me has nothing better to do than to hang out with me. I don't know why he's doing this. He hangs out with me at parties. Never actually saying anything. He trails me to bookstores and cafés and things. Always there in the background. It's really frustrating. This is why I know: in the future I will be a jerk. But at least I'm only being a jerk to me. At least I'm not bothering other people with it. 

Actually, I don't know that last part for certain. I'm not always around him. When I'm in my dorm I'd like to think that he's out actually enjoying the past. And I'd like to think that he's not being a jerk to other people. So I'm the only one suffering here. No apologies needed. Still--what kind of a guy behaves like that to himself? No self-respecting guy would DO that. 

I've given it some thought and all I can say is that I hope I've done this because in 20 years I will have enough money to retire. Hell, maybe I invent time travel technology. That would be cool. I'd be rich. One things for certain, though. If I am going to invent time travel it's going to be to escape so that I never have to be around him again. I'm going back in time so that I don't ever have to worry about being around him anymore. And I get the feeling that's kind of going to involve going back in time and hanging out with me now. 

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Follow Russ Bickerstaff on Twitter by clicking here. 

Turns out he's not a jerk at all... YET! (The Indie-pendence Day Anthology Winner)

Russ Bickerstaff:
Theater critic, writer, not a jerk.

Hey, remember how we here at IWM put out the single most successful anthology of short stories ever, The Indie-Pendence Day Anthology Of Time Travel Stories?  Sure, you MUST remember it.  It's the one that took the world by storm and got made into a hit movie starring Matt Damon and Sofia Vergara and featuring Julia Louis-Dreyfus as "Time".  OR WAS THAT IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE?

No matter.  

The important thing is, we put out a book and it has been universally well-received, and now it is time to have it weller-received.  Well-receiveder? I'm sure Andrew can tell me which one is least incorrect.  So from time to time

(GET IT?)

I will be posting interviews with the authors from that remarkable book, and some of their stories, as well.  Today is actually the second of those; the first interview was with author Jeff Hargett and is in our August magazine issue, on sale over there to the right. Today, you get for absolutely free an interview with Russ Bickerstaff, whose story "I Will Be A Jerk" won first prize this year, making it the Best Time Travel Story of 2014.  Doesn't that mean it's The Best Time Travel Story EVER? Let's let you decide that.

The interview will be today.  Check back tomorrow for the story.  

I emailed Russ some questions, and he responded as follows:

Thanks for the opportunity to do this. As a theatre critic and arts journalist, I'm always on the other side of a set of questions like this. 

Here's my response:

1. Where did you get the idea for your story?

In idle moments I occasionally imagine going back in time to have a conversation with myself when I was in high school. When I thought about what it might be like to go back in time and specifically NOT say anything to me, it turned into a story. 

2. Have you written other time-travel stories? 

Time travel pops-up a lot in my fiction. Though I love technical treatments of time travel like the movie Primer or more insightful historical pieces like Moorcock's Behold the Man, I tend to focus exclusively on the people. My time travel tends to be more of a personal emotional journey for the characters. 

3. If you could travel in time, when would you go to and why?

I'd love to go 25 years into the future. I have a couple of daughters who are very, very young. It'd be interesting to hang out with them as adults. I'm anxious to see what they'll be like after childhood. 

4. Are you working on anything right now that you want to share?  

I've finally been getting around to finishing a huge number of short stories. In the past three months or so I have wrapped-up work on over 100 of them. 

The big ongoing project is a sprawling, unplanned, unedited hypertext serial about a character named Blake Morely. It's been a fun exercise for the past several years. The text is over 1 million words long now. It can be found online by Googling the name "Blake Morely." (The hyper serial is the first thing to pop-up on a search.) No real idea where the story is going. It's been a lot of fun to write, though. 

5. Do you have other stories or books that readers can buy/read online?

I've been getting a short story accepted for publication about once per week over the course of the past three months. The central intersection for all those stories can be found at my online Internarrational Where Port at: http://ru3935.wix.com/russ-bickerstaff

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OK, back to ME now.  I went and started reading his Blake Morely story, and it's an extremely interesting project, which is what you'd expect from a guy like Russ.  Check out his other stuff, and stop back tomorrow to read I Will Be A Jerk.

In the meantime, the ENTIRE BOOK can be had for only $3.99, which is less than a pair of socks, I think? I don't know.  Sweetie buys my socks.  The point is, go get the book by clicking here and you'll get 15 great time travel stories from the best indie writers around.

An Exploration in Fantasy -- Part Five: The Source

Imagine you're a kid. Your father is a landowner and a knight. Your older brother is obviously being groomed as the heir, which is normal and natural. He is, actually, a knight in his own right. You, however, are not being trained as a second, a backup, which would also be normal and natural. You're being trained to take care of horses and muck stalls and do the upkeep on your brother's gear, but that's about it. Sure, you'll get to be a squire, but you can tell there's some... difference; you're just not sure what it is. Clearly, your father loves you, and it's not a matter of favoritism; your brother is held just as accountable for wrongs as you are. But there is something... something that sets you apart. Or is that just wishful thinking?

This tournament comes up, and your brother is going to take part. He's even one of the favored knights. But something happens. The morning of the tournament, there's a problem with your brother's sword. He's livid. Stomping around. He demands that you find him a new one. And that's where everything changes...

* * *

Raise your hand if you know where this is going.

From what I can tell, the Arthurian Legend is at the root of modern fantasy. All of the elements are there. Let's look at it along with the initial list.

1. Arthur is not an adult. His age varies from child to teen, but it's clear that he's not an adult.

2. Arthur is an orphan. Soon after being taken from his parents by Merlin, they are killed.

3. Arthur is the child of the king, the first High King of Britain, even if short-lived.

4. Arthur is the child of prophecy, the one destined to draw the sword from the stone and become the True High King that will unite the land.

5. Arthur is mentored by Merlin, the Wizard.

6. "What is your quest?" "The Quest for the Holy Grail!"

7. Arthur's great descent is the affair between Lancelot and Guinevere.

8. Arthur has all of the Knights of the Round Table, many of whom have special skills and talents.

9. The "dark lord" Arthur has to face is his half-sister, Morgan, a sorceress and mother of his child.

10. And, of course, there is no technology.

Not only is fantasy filled with King Arthur stories... Wait, let me list just the ones that I've read, which is nowhere near comprehensive:
1. Le Morte d'Arthur (technically not fantasy, because it's a classic but, if it had been written today, it would be fantasy)
2. The Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights (also, technically, not fantasy because it was written by Steinbeck, but if it had been written by anyone else...)
3. The Once and Future King
4. The Pendragon Cycle (possibly the best Arthur series I've ever read)
5. Camulod Chronicles (possibly the second best Arthur series I've ever read and it's done completely from a historical fiction perspective, so it's only fantasy because it's about Arthur)

There may be more, but that's what I know I've read right off the top of my head, and those are just the ones that are actually about Arthur. There's probably no good way of counting up the number of books that make reference to Arthur or Merlin (The House on the Corner for one) or show some kind of direct influence from the Arthurian Mythos (even Lewis' Space Trilogy, and the resemblance of the Sword of Gryffindor to the Sword in the Stone can't be denied). It's possible that the Legend of Arthur is the most pervasive literary influence in Western culture (but it would probably take more study than I've put into it to determine that for certain).

And, yes, even Tolkien has a relationship to Arthur. There's The Fall of Arthur (a poem that Tolkien didn't consider finished so was published posthumously) and his re-telling of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. And probably more but not more that's been published. That I know of.

Even with Tolkien's interest in Arthur, not much of the Arthurian Model finds its way into The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings, as has already been discussed. I think Beowulf was a much greater influence on both works than Arthur ever was.

None of which is to say that Tolkien doesn't deserve the title Father of Modern Fantasy. Certainly, he's the one that "created" the genre, and he gave a lot of window dressing to it. The idea of fantastic races in fantasy comes directly from his influence; however, they're not required. Adding elves and leprechauns is like... well, it's like spicing your food. Some people sprinkle on the elf, some shake on some goblins, some keep it plain.

All of which is to say that, even though we can thank Tolkien for ushering in the age of fantasy literature, it's to Arthur that we owe the stories. One little orphan boy who pulled a sword from a stone.

Great Writing Moments From "The Simpsons"

FXX is currently airing all 552 episodes of The Simpsons, in order.  Whether you realize it or not, writing and authors have played a part in many episodes of the show.  Off the top of my head, here are some of those moments:

• When the Simpson family visits England, they run into JK Rowling.  Since this was before the last book was written, Lisa badgers her about how it'll end.  Rowling finally says Harry will marry Lisa and they'll live happily ever after.  I never read it, but I'm pretty sure that's not what happened.  Liar!
• When Bart gets his 15 minutes of fame for the catchphrase "I didn't do it" he gets a lot of crappy merchandise--including an "autobiography" that is actually about Ross Perot and a transcript of the Iran-Contra hearings.
• Speaking of autobiographies, in one episode Krusty the Clown reveals his autobiography was ghostwritten by John Updike.
• In the Halloween episode "The Thing and I" the kids go up to the attic and find boxes full of Homer's vanity published autobiography "Homer , I Hardly Knew Me."  I'm sure it was a fascinating read.
• Lisa insists the family visit a book festival in one episode.  There Stephen King relates his terrifying new project:  a biography of Benjamin Franklin.  He promises to tell Marge when he gets back to writing horror.
• At the same festival Lenny asks a question about the B-2 bomber.  But when Tom Clancy starts to answer, Lenny says he intended the question for Maya Angelou, who recites a poem about the bomber.
• When Homer gets a job as a food critic, Lisa ghostwrites the reviews for him.  When she laments that someone else's name is on her work, Homer tells her, "Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing."
• Speaking of ghostwriting, Lisa and Bart write an episode of the popular Itchy & Scratchy cartoon, but when they can't it published, they put Grampa's name on the script instead.  They go on to write a bunch of popular episodes, until Grampa actually sees one at the Emmies and rants about how disgusting it is.
• Long before 50 Shades of Grey, Marge Simpson became a published author with a bodice-ripper about a woman married to a drunken slob (Homer) until she's seduced by a hunk (Ned Flanders).  When Homer got around to reading the book, it drove him into a fit of rage.  In that episode is a valuable publishing lesson when Marge asks, "If I publish a book, will they tell me when it comes out?"  My publisher for A Hero's Journey wouldn't...
• In one of the last new episodes I watched, Homer, Bart, and a bunch of other Springfielders compose a novel about goblins that becomes the next Twilight.  Neil Gaiman gets the book published under his name, double-crossing everyone.
• When Lisa visits Moe the bartender, she sees a bunch of random thoughts of his and recomposes them into a poem, launching Moe into the publishing business.  At the Word Loaf festival Moe and Lisa run into great authors like Tom Wolfe and Gore Vidal, who reveals his title 1776 came from the total of a tank of gas.
• My favorite moment of Word Loaf though is at a panel featuring authors Michael Chabon and Jonathan Franzen.  They end up talking trash and then getting into a fist fight.

It's kind of sad to note that many of the literary guest stars on the show have passed away including John Updike, George Plimpton, Tom Clancy, and Maya Angelou.  So maybe being featured on the show isn't the best idea.

Any Simpsons literary moments I might have missed?

Ninja Mutants: An Extended Review -- Part Two: The Fantasy Paradigm

Recently, I went to see the new Ninja Turtles movie with my kids (you can read my review of that here), and there are some things in it that go along with the fantasy "discussion" we're having right now. It's interesting enough that I think it deserves its own post, although I'm not including it in the actual exploring fantasy series. First, let's bring up our list of things that go along with fantasy stories:

1. The protagonist (I'm just going to say "hero" from here on out; it's shorter) is not an adult (and usually male).

2. The hero is an orphan (usually both parents are dead, although there is sometime one (usually the mother)).

3. The hero is "special" in some way.

4. There is a prophecy, generally related to the hero.

5. There is an old mentor of some sort, usually a male. (We recognize this character as "the wizard.")

6. There is a quest of some sort involved that only the hero can complete.

7. There is some kind of descent 

8. The hero has companions who help him on his journey.

9. There is some sort of "dark lord" who can only be defeated by the hero.

10. There's an absence of technology.

The thing of interest to me with this new movie is the protagonist. Yes, protagonist. Historically (I use that term a little loosely, but the Turtles have been around for three decades, now, so there is some history involved), the protagonists of the Turtles stories have been the Turtles themselves. If you look at our list, the Turtles fit virtually all 10 of the points, even the one with the prophecy at various times in the stories.

But the Turtles are not the protagonists of the movie. No, that honor goes to April O'Neil. In the comics and other, previous stories, April is merely one of the companions, but she is the main character in the movie, and the Turtles are the companions. How can we tell?

Well, let's look at the facts:
In this movie, April is an orphan. [I don't remember this being a part of her story previously, but, then, maybe I'm just not remembering it. Actually, I don't remember it ever coming up before, which would lead me to think she had parents.]  Effectively, she's also not an adult. Technically, she's an adult, but she's being portrayed as someone not quite there yet, basically, coming of age. April is the special one and, loosely, of prophecy in that she, in this movie, was the owner of the Turtles back when they were just turtles. She was their savior.

This thing where they made the Turtles her childhood pets is a huge change and plunges April into the role as the story's protagonist. The Turtles become her companions on her journey to "destroy the dark lord," in this case Eric Sacks. The goal of the Turtles is to keep April alive and assist in her journey. Splinter still serves as the mentor figure, and the world of the Turtles, into which April descends, lacks technology. Sort of. There is technology, but it's Donatello's "magic."

I find the changes they made to the Turtles mythos very interesting, probably because it comes in the midst of this fantasy series, but, still, I find it interesting. I have to assume they made April the protagonist because she's easier for audiences to connect with. After all, they have very much downplayed the teenager-ness of the Turtles in this iteration, so there's not that for the audience to connect with. I also find it very interesting that in making the changes they made, they brought it into alignment with the fantasy paradigm I've been discussing. It's not surprising, but it's interesting. Of course, super hero stories tend to follow the fantasy model, even if April herself is not the super hero.

Indies and Pre-Orders

Last week, Amazon gave indie authors the ability to make their books available for pre-order. (Smashwords already offered authors this feature.) The final version has to be uploaded ten days before the release date; if it's not, the author loses the pre-order feature for a year. I'm not certain yet if pre-order sales are counted as they accrue or on the release day. If the latter, then the spike in sales can give the book a boost up the charts and increase its visibility. Admittedly, not all books may generate pre-orders, especially for new authors or series without an established fan base willing to buy them sight unseen. (Even if you don't get a lot of pre-orders, it may be helpful to have a buy link ready when setting up marketing. At the very least, pre-orders impose a schedule for getting the book out.)

I'm not sure yet how useful this feature will be, but I can't resist experimenting with it. I've therefore made my next book, Seasons' Beginnings, Book One of the Season Avatars series, available for pre-order. It's a fantasy novel, and it'll release October 21, 2014. (It's mostly done, but I'm waiting for feedback from my beta readers before I do the final proofreading.) I already posted the link on my blog, but I'm shameless enough to do it here too, along with the cover and blurb:

Kron Evenhanded is an artificer, able to enchant any man-made object, but he finds people more difficult to work with. When he visits the city of Vistichia, he encounters Sal-thaath, an extremely magical but dangerous child created by Salth, another magician Kron knew at the Magic Institute. Kron attempts to civilize Sal-thaath, but when his efforts lead to tragedy, Kron is forced to ally himself with a quartet of new deities and their human Avatars. Together they must defend Vistichia as Salth attempts to drain its life and magic. But Salth has Ascended halfway to godhood over Time. Will Kron’s artifacts be enough to protect the Avatars, especially the woman he loves, or will Time separate them?

 What do you think about pre-orders? Readers, do you pre-order books, or will you wait for them to become available? Authors, would you use this feature, or do you prefer publishing as soon as the book is ready?

Amateur Tip: A Costly Way to Get Readers

As a frequent Amazon review and Vine Voice(TM), I sometimes get authors or publishers offering to send me a book to review.  I've accepted a couple, but some are really far off the mark of what I would read, like the one who wanted me to review a book of Christian crafts.  Though I find that kind of annoying to get, I have to admit that's not the worst thing you can do.  I mean it's just an email and the worst they'll say is No, right?

But then last week someone took it up a notch.  I opened my email and found out someone I didn't know and had never heard of had "gifted" me a copy of her book on Amazon.  I looked up the book and it sounded just awful.  Basically 700 pages of Ayn Randian philosophy.  No thanks.  Amazon gives the option to exchange it for a gift card, so I did that and got $1.07 towards another book I actually wanted.

From reading a thread on that gifted book's page, apparently the author has been doing this with other people.  Probably a lot of Vine Voices(TM).  It struck me as just about the dumbest way you can go about doing this.  I mean, maybe she has money to burn (or maybe she's using the Guy Kawasaki philosophy of sinking a minimum of $15K into marketing) but it just seems like a big waste of money.

So unless you have money burning a hole in your pocket, ASK before you send someone a copy of your book to read and review.  It seems kind of like common sense (and cents) but some people are sorely lacking in that department.

But hey, thanks for that $1.07!